Masquerade… My Life…

Masquerade… My life

When those eyes close one day,

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask that I wore each day.

The mask smiles ,

I have no emotion

The mask attracts,

I hide behind it,

The mask shows no emotion,

I have all seasons running through my mind

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask makes the world see I am just another woman,

Living each day in perfection,

A beautiful job,

Set career,

A perfect family life,

A, to the notch perfection of balance.

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask hides all,

And no one can see the real me,

No one can even assume the worst,

As there is nothing that they can see,

If only they had my eyes…

-A.P.

The other side of the fence

The other side of the fence

It’s not always greener on the other side

Now when I look at it,

It can be as dry as this side.

Dealing with the low moods,

No smile to respond to

No normal feelings like the other,

No gratification

Unless you aren’t on the side you will not know.

Yes, it’s not always greener on the other side

When there are tears they don’t know how to wipe them,

Thus anger and frustration a result.

When moods are low, jokes aren’t funny and that leads to suspicion.

And when nothing works, even a raised tone of voice to the dead mind seems right to them.

It’s not always greener on the other side

When I glance at the paddock and hope I was the one giving empathy, I realise that I may not have been the right one.

The other side is as dry as this side,

Rarely will there be one that wants to jump this side, its all a delusion that this side is greener.

The other side of the fence,

Is as hard as it is to live on this side.

-A.P.

The Reach… In hope of

The reach… In hope of

My fingers tremble, as my hand reaches out,

I keep that surreal look to my mind,

In some hope of touching the untouched.

The season of spring brings some glory to my hope.

Life had turned anti clockwise.

My fingers tremble,

My soul keeps trying,

As the physical body is on its last drive,

I feel the attempt will fail me yet once again.

The winter cold makes me shiver,

And the storms try and fight me.

Each look towards pure innocence seems so unreal.

Oh why do my fingers tremble.

As nature strips the tress and hope of life in Autumn, I await with my heart clenched in my throat.

My fingers tremble.

Minute after minute,

Hour after hour,

Day after day,

Week after week,

Month after month,

Season after season,

Year after year,

I do not give up

In hope of my journey to end,

Achieving success.

In summer the sun burns each layer of me,

I still reach in hope…

My fingers tremble.

There is a cycle I am locked up in and all my withered body knows is that I’m reaching out in hope.

My fingers tremble.

-A.P.

This picture is painted by Mayhem”

Thank you for sharing it with me

And the writing is based on the painting

Anxiety in MY WORDS’

A dark feeling lingering around, constantly around the clock.

Black heavy clouds, following me around, thunder growling so loud, lightening bolts striking all over my body each time I get a thought, than it pours down rain, washing away my identity.

The sun keeps setting each moment, almost like I’m stuck in a cycle of repetition.

I never see the sunrise and the morning dew on nature.

There is no light reflecting off the rain drops, no warmth, no photosynthesis anywhere.

The wind has stopped, nothing moves, everything is at standstill, the only rollercoaster is the load of emotions.

Pain is the norm now, it almost feels good, as that’s the way the brain has programmed itself.

It’s a reaction to my fight flight response now.

There is almost an autopilot switch that activates each time there is any slight chance of happiness, almost telling my brain to keep producing the stress hormones.

Regret, hurt, sorrow, uselessness, all those feelings are now me.

Tears have made the tastebuds very salty, when I look at the mirror I almost have forgotten what I once looked like. There are no distinct features left that describe me as what I used to once be.

My body is like a planet almost awaiting a lunar eclipse to make me realise I exist.

Once upon a time when I heard the ocean waves, it felt soothing but now, it scares me and my heart skips beats, drowning me deeper in my dark thoughts.

There is no category in which I can define my issue, or search a medical dictionary in hope of feeling normal within the community.

Nothing can be undone, it seems like the clock is ticking fast and it keeps piling up negative feelings.

A.P.

Anxiety in definition

Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where we feel under pressure, they usually pass once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed.

Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t go away – when they’re ongoing and happen without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard to cope with daily life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but for someone experiencing anxiety, these feelings aren’t easily controlled. (Beyond blue)

Types of Anxiety;

Generalised Anxiety disorder (GAD)

A person feels anxious on most days, worrying about lots of different things, for a period of six months or more.

Social anxiety

A person has an intense fear of being criticised, embarrassed or humiliated, even in everyday situations, such as speaking publicly, eating in public, being assertive at work or making small talk.

Specific Phobias

A person feels very fearful about a particular object or situation and may go to great lengths to avoid it, for example, having an injection or travelling on a plane. There are many different types of phobias.

Panic Disorder

A person has panic attacks, which are intense, overwhelming and often uncontrollable feelings of anxiety combined with a range of physical symptoms. Someone having a panic attack may experience shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness and excessive perspiration. Sometimes, people experiencing a panic attack think they are having a heart attack or are about to die. If a person has recurrent panic attacks or persistently fears having one for more than a month, they’re said to have panic disorder.

Who can help other than your, GP, psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health nurses, Hospitals, crisis assessment or acute treatment teams.

Beyond blue support services

1300 22 4636

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=12&ved=2ahUKEwjVu7iA3YTdAhVWA4gKHfXWCZEQFjALegQIAhAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.beyondblue.org.au%2Fthe-facts%2Fanxiety&usg=AOvVaw0lfqVyN1E2X0uHdjbeTLhj

This context is from the beyond blue webiste

Words

Words are very powerful,

If so, I think the word’ powerful is an understatement.

Words have a lot of strength in describing a state or situation one can be held in.

Words are very strong

A pinch of emotion added with a slice of reality’

Words can make or break you.

They keep coming in my mind, one after the other, playing a role in my self destruction.

One adds a few more letters to it, and it can take you on a downward spiral.

Words are very much a strong weapon,

It can cause mass issues’

Words don’t leave my thought and mind,

Day in and day out, words play games.

Oh how very much I try to not think,

My memory is clouded.

Words take me to a world of glamour, and than detours to a life of self pity,

Oh how very much I try to not think.

Words can cause fear, harm, and pile up to the cause of another world war.

Words are very strong

A.P.

Scars

Scars’

Not only a mark, a reminder, a memory, the ultimate playback to what was once the moment you just wanted it to be over…

Scars don’t traumatise me anymore,

They make me strong .

Scars make me realise why”

Scars make me proud that I lived the moment.

The moment that life could have either taken a U turn, or the moment life could have hit the ultimate decision point .

Scars are your achievements, they are your character, they are your inner realisation to reality of that’ one moment

A.P.