One of those type of days

It’s one of those type of days,

One where I just feel like snuggling with you, so very close.

Almost makes me want to feel all your affection.

Your arms around me, keeping me warm, whilst my heat radiates into you.

It’s one of those type of days,

Holding your hand whilst I walk, no matter what the destination bd

Being around you is all that is important to me;

Oh what an amazing feeling it is.

I want to make you feel special in all ways possible.

I want to make you smile at all the small things we do together.

I want to listen to you,

I want to know you more in depth, anything and everything baby.

It’s one of those type of days,

When the sun goes down, you rest your head on my chest while I caress your hair and make you unwind from all the stress of the day.

Listen to my heart beat and sooth your soul.

I want you to feel like the very special man you are.

I want to cradle you in my arms and make you feel at ease, with no worries of the world.

You are everyones dream and right now I want to live that dream with you beside my side and share it with you.

-A.P Ora

Peaceful mindblock / sleep

Oh when was it that I last recall having to sleep with no thoughts ?

Why does it happen that I awaken at night and scream?

Why does the mind keep playing surreal games ?

Oh when was it that I last recall having a sleep with no thoughts

Peace is no longer around me and the tension of my body reflects on my mind.

Fear is always around , no matter how much I try I just can’t seem to have a mindblock

The range of remedies,

Meditation

Walking

Excercising

Expert advice

Even medication

How I wish upon a shooting star to get that one night of sleep when my mind doesn’t stay awake with astrotravelling, nightmares, surreal images

Help has reached its peak and now I know how mental illness can affect someone to the core of their bones

A.P.

The world is an ore’

The world will say hi to you when you are ok ,

When you smile

When you look pretty

The scars, the bruises the pain,

They do not want to know ,

They do t want to know you when you are looking blue with bruises and your features don’t match

They don’t want to know you when you are abused daily and have bumps on your head.

The world doesn’t want to know you when your tears dry out

It’s an ore’

That’s how the world works ,

The world wants to know you when you have a smile

What is behind that smile is the least important at the time ….

The world is an ore’

Exit the thoughts

It’s hard as it is to do, as easy as it is to say.

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

If we were to live in the hope of an answer or an outcome life would take its toll as it does in any other situation.

Thoughts that cloud the memory, and give you nightmares are the ones you want to escape and exit from.

Once someone smart told me that you bring in the thought that haunts you so much and than visualise the exit or delete button and there you go it’s all erased.

Well I tried this strategy for over a decade and believe it or not I think I have programmed my brain to think it’s been deleted. It had my sanity a little I guess but if only it was that easy to exit a thought

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

Maybe sometimes we just don’t credit the human brain enough?!

Maybe if we really want we can make ourselves think that it’s all over and not have the emotional burden.

-A.P.

Fathers Day… How much I miss you

Two decades ago, I lost the most beautiful relationship I once had, the void that no one will ever fill.

How much I miss you dad

Now looking back, oh how much I miss you so.

On a day like this; memory lane takes me back to when dad used to hold my tiny fingers as he guided me in the right direction,

To keep me fearless of the world,

Keeping me tucked under his angelic wings.

How much I miss you dad

My moments with his so sweet, and memorable,

Oh how I wish you were here right now to show me the right path in the maze I live in.

Those moments when he wiped my tears,

And give me cuddles,

Nothing ever felt wrong,

The teachings were always so humble,

To never give up on myself, and fight my way through.

How much I miss you dad

Those memories are not faint, yet so fresh, so surreal.

Fathers day has always been a reminder of the innocence of my past.

Never take your loved ones for granted, as tomorrow may never be… Oh dad how much I miss you so.

I will live the days with the memories I have in my heart and forever hold you close to my heart

I love you and will till my last breathe.

Happy Fathers Day.

-A.P.

Masquerade… My Life…

Masquerade… My life

When those eyes close one day,

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask that I wore each day.

The mask smiles ,

I have no emotion

The mask attracts,

I hide behind it,

The mask shows no emotion,

I have all seasons running through my mind

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask makes the world see I am just another woman,

Living each day in perfection,

A beautiful job,

Set career,

A perfect family life,

A, to the notch perfection of balance.

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask hides all,

And no one can see the real me,

No one can even assume the worst,

As there is nothing that they can see,

If only they had my eyes…

-A.P.

Anxiety in MY WORDS’

A dark feeling lingering around, constantly around the clock.

Black heavy clouds, following me around, thunder growling so loud, lightening bolts striking all over my body each time I get a thought, than it pours down rain, washing away my identity.

The sun keeps setting each moment, almost like I’m stuck in a cycle of repetition.

I never see the sunrise and the morning dew on nature.

There is no light reflecting off the rain drops, no warmth, no photosynthesis anywhere.

The wind has stopped, nothing moves, everything is at standstill, the only rollercoaster is the load of emotions.

Pain is the norm now, it almost feels good, as that’s the way the brain has programmed itself.

It’s a reaction to my fight flight response now.

There is almost an autopilot switch that activates each time there is any slight chance of happiness, almost telling my brain to keep producing the stress hormones.

Regret, hurt, sorrow, uselessness, all those feelings are now me.

Tears have made the tastebuds very salty, when I look at the mirror I almost have forgotten what I once looked like. There are no distinct features left that describe me as what I used to once be.

My body is like a planet almost awaiting a lunar eclipse to make me realise I exist.

Once upon a time when I heard the ocean waves, it felt soothing but now, it scares me and my heart skips beats, drowning me deeper in my dark thoughts.

There is no category in which I can define my issue, or search a medical dictionary in hope of feeling normal within the community.

Nothing can be undone, it seems like the clock is ticking fast and it keeps piling up negative feelings.

A.P.