It’s a condition that drains each living cell out of you
It’s a torture to live with it each day,
It’s not a nice feeling to wake up knowing that once the day and the errands are done, one will have to pop a load of pills and shut off the brain.The restlessness that occurs in sleep and the heart palpitations in the awake life is a taunting feeling
Each second the clock ticks, one stares at it hoping that it just runs faster than it actually is and when it’s time to wrap up things one wishes that it wasn’t so fast that time flew
Each morning one wakes with the hope for the sun to set so the brain can shut off
Help and support is always and abundantly available but when one is in a zone of feeling below 5 kilometres per hour, it seems a task and I mean a burdening task to reach out.
After all who would want to hear my shit”
That’s the voice from inside that makes you want to cave in and not utter a word
The clouds never seem to pass over the suns rays and one cannot be exposed to the comforting warmth of the sun.
The clouds just get darker and darker,
Never to want to leave and if there ever was a positive outlook well that’s when it rains and floods the thoughts washing them all back to where they started off
A vicious cycle of self hatred and despise
It’s definitely not a good feeling to live with each day.
When one wakes up and tries to make a move towards some activity, the physical Strength seems to weaken by the minute ,
Each task seems a chore!
Each movement seems to drain the soul, if one even realises they have a soul left’
Mental illness is like a cancer that kills each cell of your body and takes over to the point when the illness is so obvious that one realises that the only way to find any salvage is to turn life back into gods hand. Again if one can console to a god than that’s probably a positive , usually the faith and hope factor is long gone.
The brain can no longer recognise happiness and can no longer respond to something positive as a “happy” moment. So the individual actions on the happiness to make it a negative experience and that is because the the brain has imprinted sadness and uselessness as Normal”
The norm for people like myself is the abnormal for the people that are the opposite breed of us
Smiling is great for the skin and a perfect facade that one can hold against the reality that they live.
Writing this is probably making me realise that I cannot do this for much longer.
If anyone is to lay their eyes and bother spending the time to read it they might just chuckle (or some may agree).
The point is that one in my shoes doesn’t want anyone to read this because there are many books and text out there that have published this and becomes a great read for people.
One weakness in people like me is that we try to have the flash looks and the flashiest objects to make us feel like we have it all under control, but let’s just face the truth the high price tagged items don’t really bring one happiness , if anything when one looks back it makes one realise how lonely they are that they had to try and buy a little smile for the fortnight.
Humans (people) are amazing creatures and maybe that’s why we are the ones that can voice ourselves and becomes presidents and terrorist to the place called earth”
But the biggest downfall of humans are that they like to fake it till they make it,
This is one big cause of loneliness and depression.
We are the most lucky alongside the most unlucky creatures of the earth.
Sometimes I look at my puppy and wish he could just talk back to me and tell me how he feels, to tell me his emotions and make me feel like I’m not that worse off after all, unfortunately that doesn’t happen.
We tend to crawl towards things that make us happy for a moment and than cling to it. The biggest downfall is that once in the below the rainbow zone , one always seems to pick and attach oneself to that zone. The zone than does more damage and the so called victim” the patient of mental illness, seems to like the fact that they are such “feel sorry for me” people
Mental illness is a nasty plague that spreads and I can guarantee you that 3:5 people are the victims, and will remain victims
Self pity makes it worse by the minutes. Never have self pity
Those tablets seem like they are shrinking by the weeks as it’s no longer enough to balance the chemicals in the brain, one needs more and more and than the brain and body becomes immune to the treatment that one takes daily or even twice in a day
Remedy is great ! But what is the definition of it?
What’s the definition of prevention?
When people say prevention is better than cure and remedy is great for healing ?
Like are they seriously serious ?
I do not think that the population in that breed are realising that those words are just Words for us’
Nothing of the above really make sense to us’
The population need to realise that when people are mentally ill’ they do not have the ability to understand the definition and put it in place in their lives.
Those words just become literature’ for the ones that are on this side of the fence.
My practitioner had been my backbone for that many years that now when I look back I realise that I use the practitioner as a safety blanket like a toddler used to hold close so they don’t feel alone or get nightmares and that’s all , someone that doesn’t judge me and can see some hope in me (by saying that I can guarantee 1:100 would be like the practitioner I see).
Somewhat I call myself very lucky when it comes to that context.
When I reflect , I too am a practitioner, and sometimes it’s hard for us to try and help, it’s because we know that by letting our clients go, is the best way to help them and the way for teaching them to cope.
All of us deserve to be thrown in the deep end to make sure we can swim up, and not drown, but the fact that there is a chance of drowning, is scary so we never take the dip.
The pharmacists probably thinks that this woman is really a ticking time bomb but they still smiles and make a joke in some hope that maybe this will cease, or the opposite that this is my biggest client.
If only one could read minds.
Calculating all that I have said, I have just placed myself back to square one. Like the musical chair game that never ends.
I hope that this context can help anyone realise that one that feels like myself is not a normal’ feeling . And that people from my breed can reflect on themselves before they get to this point.
All this is Easily printed in books and directed by famous movie makers in Hollywood, let’s face the truth that this is NOT a movie set and it will never ever be.
The difference is that the story in a penguin books eventually ends and they sell out.
The Hollywood blockbuster makes millions with an ending to accomodate a sequel, unfortunately the prequel and sequel and the the current present is all bundled in my brain.
It’s so bizarre that a whole episode of forensic files can complete and when I look away from the screen all I can see is a dark light , I do not remember anything I watched. I do not Remember anything I heard.
And the brain processes some text I can voice verbally but the tongue still can’t lay it out.
It’s probably the hundredth time I have mentioned the words mental illness , I fact I haven’t I just think I have.
Call it anxiety, depression, stress, post traumatic stress disorder, personality disorder or whatever fancy name you would like to attach with a bright silver ribbon.
The fact that any of these words don’t matter either. Mental weakness is a fatal killer.
It kills worse than slow poisoning of the blood stream.
Like blood platelets drop in a Sick and detoriating patient, there is no blood count here , they is no visual symptoms that one can see.
And no monitor to plug on to tell the doctor I need review now.
This illness is one of a kind,
I like to call myself a well educated person with self confidence ( but that cannot be )
Because that’s the face I wear each day.
One look at myself in the mirror and I realise I can see the illness but no one else can visualise it.
No One else can feel the way I feel, empathy in this illness is hard. Sympathy is gained very easily and that’s one things that the individual does Not want ( like hello it only took me years to write this).
Mental illness is such …