Love letter to myself

Dear me,

I write this awe to you today,

For you forever hold my breathe and make me wonder…

I admire you ,

Your beauty one of those that have not existed …

You are simple, and smile at little things,

Life wants to shower you with love but this lifetime seems the impossible goal

You jump at a loud sound ,

You cry at a frown,

You are timid, and scared yet hold the face of a lioness.

You also want to fall asleep in the arms of life, where nothing matters to you and you shut your thought off with no worries no isssues, and no problems.

You wake up to day to day life and always thrive to make others happy ,

You behold the beauty of the kingdom.

You dream for little things in life , and your list is long ,

No one knows the real you, because you shut yourself to the world, oh please little princess love yourself more …. than only will the other love you with a passion.

Never doubt your inner strength as you are a strong woman, holding many emotions inside , deep down inside.

Let those feeling free and for once allow the world to try and love you back once again.

You forever hold my breathe and make me wonder….

A.P.

Life…

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Life,

Its an Ore, how amazing it is that one can not see beyond the fake colours all spread around.

The chirping birds are so beautiful in their tone, yet the loud couple walking past just broke my attention.

I move my attention else where, to find somewhat of relief, the ocean, so calm when it is not storming, yet when those waves get angry they can destruct.

Life, Oh how fascinating..

The forever once lovers, walking hand cupped in hand, how delightful.

The Brain has given us many sensory systems and what hurts the most is the central nervous system seems paralysed

I pick up by dead weighted body and struggle to stand.

I fall once and than take 5 steps, than tumble back 3 steps, gaining only two,

but that only two, is like a mile for me.

Life , Oh how fascinating..

The cool breeze caress my cheeks, makes my body realise it needs to regulate its thermostat, I shrug off the feelings pulling down and hold my head up in pride

It wasn’t easy but I managed and I shall keep doing it

Never giving up

Becoming Resilient

Life, Oh how fascinating

 

– A.P. Ora

One of those type of days

It’s one of those type of days,

One where I just feel like snuggling with you, so very close.

Almost makes me want to feel all your affection.

Your arms around me, keeping me warm, whilst my heat radiates into you.

It’s one of those type of days,

Holding your hand whilst I walk, no matter what the destination bd

Being around you is all that is important to me;

Oh what an amazing feeling it is.

I want to make you feel special in all ways possible.

I want to make you smile at all the small things we do together.

I want to listen to you,

I want to know you more in depth, anything and everything baby.

It’s one of those type of days,

When the sun goes down, you rest your head on my chest while I caress your hair and make you unwind from all the stress of the day.

Listen to my heart beat and sooth your soul.

I want you to feel like the very special man you are.

I want to cradle you in my arms and make you feel at ease, with no worries of the world.

You are everyones dream and right now I want to live that dream with you beside my side and share it with you.

-A.P Ora

Adrift

Adrift I am away from thoughts that conquer my vision,

Adrift I want to remain for ever from those locked away moments,

I do not want to feel fear,

I do not want to feel pain,

Forever afloat on cloud 9, shall I remain.

Adrift I am from those noises that break my peace I usually meditate to.

Adrift I am from the rest of the world full of glam.

I feel love,

I feel passion,

I feel warmth

Adrift I am …

Fathers Day… How much I miss you

Two decades ago, I lost the most beautiful relationship I once had, the void that no one will ever fill.

How much I miss you dad

Now looking back, oh how much I miss you so.

On a day like this; memory lane takes me back to when dad used to hold my tiny fingers as he guided me in the right direction,

To keep me fearless of the world,

Keeping me tucked under his angelic wings.

How much I miss you dad

My moments with his so sweet, and memorable,

Oh how I wish you were here right now to show me the right path in the maze I live in.

Those moments when he wiped my tears,

And give me cuddles,

Nothing ever felt wrong,

The teachings were always so humble,

To never give up on myself, and fight my way through.

How much I miss you dad

Those memories are not faint, yet so fresh, so surreal.

Fathers day has always been a reminder of the innocence of my past.

Never take your loved ones for granted, as tomorrow may never be… Oh dad how much I miss you so.

I will live the days with the memories I have in my heart and forever hold you close to my heart

I love you and will till my last breathe.

Happy Fathers Day.

-A.P.

Masquerade… My Life…

Masquerade… My life

When those eyes close one day,

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask that I wore each day.

The mask smiles ,

I have no emotion

The mask attracts,

I hide behind it,

The mask shows no emotion,

I have all seasons running through my mind

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask makes the world see I am just another woman,

Living each day in perfection,

A beautiful job,

Set career,

A perfect family life,

A, to the notch perfection of balance.

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask hides all,

And no one can see the real me,

No one can even assume the worst,

As there is nothing that they can see,

If only they had my eyes…

-A.P.

The other side of the fence

The other side of the fence

It’s not always greener on the other side

Now when I look at it,

It can be as dry as this side.

Dealing with the low moods,

No smile to respond to

No normal feelings like the other,

No gratification

Unless you aren’t on the side you will not know.

Yes, it’s not always greener on the other side

When there are tears they don’t know how to wipe them,

Thus anger and frustration a result.

When moods are low, jokes aren’t funny and that leads to suspicion.

And when nothing works, even a raised tone of voice to the dead mind seems right to them.

It’s not always greener on the other side

When I glance at the paddock and hope I was the one giving empathy, I realise that I may not have been the right one.

The other side is as dry as this side,

Rarely will there be one that wants to jump this side, its all a delusion that this side is greener.

The other side of the fence,

Is as hard as it is to live on this side.

-A.P.

The Reach… In hope of

The reach… In hope of

My fingers tremble, as my hand reaches out,

I keep that surreal look to my mind,

In some hope of touching the untouched.

The season of spring brings some glory to my hope.

Life had turned anti clockwise.

My fingers tremble,

My soul keeps trying,

As the physical body is on its last drive,

I feel the attempt will fail me yet once again.

The winter cold makes me shiver,

And the storms try and fight me.

Each look towards pure innocence seems so unreal.

Oh why do my fingers tremble.

As nature strips the tress and hope of life in Autumn, I await with my heart clenched in my throat.

My fingers tremble.

Minute after minute,

Hour after hour,

Day after day,

Week after week,

Month after month,

Season after season,

Year after year,

I do not give up

In hope of my journey to end,

Achieving success.

In summer the sun burns each layer of me,

I still reach in hope…

My fingers tremble.

There is a cycle I am locked up in and all my withered body knows is that I’m reaching out in hope.

My fingers tremble.

-A.P.

This picture is painted by Mayhem”

Thank you for sharing it with me

And the writing is based on the painting

Anxiety in MY WORDS’

A dark feeling lingering around, constantly around the clock.

Black heavy clouds, following me around, thunder growling so loud, lightening bolts striking all over my body each time I get a thought, than it pours down rain, washing away my identity.

The sun keeps setting each moment, almost like I’m stuck in a cycle of repetition.

I never see the sunrise and the morning dew on nature.

There is no light reflecting off the rain drops, no warmth, no photosynthesis anywhere.

The wind has stopped, nothing moves, everything is at standstill, the only rollercoaster is the load of emotions.

Pain is the norm now, it almost feels good, as that’s the way the brain has programmed itself.

It’s a reaction to my fight flight response now.

There is almost an autopilot switch that activates each time there is any slight chance of happiness, almost telling my brain to keep producing the stress hormones.

Regret, hurt, sorrow, uselessness, all those feelings are now me.

Tears have made the tastebuds very salty, when I look at the mirror I almost have forgotten what I once looked like. There are no distinct features left that describe me as what I used to once be.

My body is like a planet almost awaiting a lunar eclipse to make me realise I exist.

Once upon a time when I heard the ocean waves, it felt soothing but now, it scares me and my heart skips beats, drowning me deeper in my dark thoughts.

There is no category in which I can define my issue, or search a medical dictionary in hope of feeling normal within the community.

Nothing can be undone, it seems like the clock is ticking fast and it keeps piling up negative feelings.

A.P.

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