Closing my eyes

The fear is such that none can fix,

Closing my eyes has become the most painful thought in my mind

The night skies, were once my point of admiration,

It’s was an ore,

Now it’s a close dark room.

The morning rays cradle me to sleep and the thought of my eyes closing makes my heart skip a beat and panic takes over

Fear was once a childhood boogyman,

Now it’s the norm.

My norm for each day

Closing my eyes is painful and sleep is impossible and what was once my peace is now my nightmare.

A.P.

Exit the thoughts

It’s hard as it is to do, as easy as it is to say.

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

If we were to live in the hope of an answer or an outcome life would take its toll as it does in any other situation.

Thoughts that cloud the memory, and give you nightmares are the ones you want to escape and exit from.

Once someone smart told me that you bring in the thought that haunts you so much and than visualise the exit or delete button and there you go it’s all erased.

Well I tried this strategy for over a decade and believe it or not I think I have programmed my brain to think it’s been deleted. It had my sanity a little I guess but if only it was that easy to exit a thought

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

Maybe sometimes we just don’t credit the human brain enough?!

Maybe if we really want we can make ourselves think that it’s all over and not have the emotional burden.

-A.P.

Masquerade… My Life…

Masquerade… My life

When those eyes close one day,

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask that I wore each day.

The mask smiles ,

I have no emotion

The mask attracts,

I hide behind it,

The mask shows no emotion,

I have all seasons running through my mind

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask makes the world see I am just another woman,

Living each day in perfection,

A beautiful job,

Set career,

A perfect family life,

A, to the notch perfection of balance.

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask hides all,

And no one can see the real me,

No one can even assume the worst,

As there is nothing that they can see,

If only they had my eyes…

-A.P.

Anxiety in MY WORDS’

A dark feeling lingering around, constantly around the clock.

Black heavy clouds, following me around, thunder growling so loud, lightening bolts striking all over my body each time I get a thought, than it pours down rain, washing away my identity.

The sun keeps setting each moment, almost like I’m stuck in a cycle of repetition.

I never see the sunrise and the morning dew on nature.

There is no light reflecting off the rain drops, no warmth, no photosynthesis anywhere.

The wind has stopped, nothing moves, everything is at standstill, the only rollercoaster is the load of emotions.

Pain is the norm now, it almost feels good, as that’s the way the brain has programmed itself.

It’s a reaction to my fight flight response now.

There is almost an autopilot switch that activates each time there is any slight chance of happiness, almost telling my brain to keep producing the stress hormones.

Regret, hurt, sorrow, uselessness, all those feelings are now me.

Tears have made the tastebuds very salty, when I look at the mirror I almost have forgotten what I once looked like. There are no distinct features left that describe me as what I used to once be.

My body is like a planet almost awaiting a lunar eclipse to make me realise I exist.

Once upon a time when I heard the ocean waves, it felt soothing but now, it scares me and my heart skips beats, drowning me deeper in my dark thoughts.

There is no category in which I can define my issue, or search a medical dictionary in hope of feeling normal within the community.

Nothing can be undone, it seems like the clock is ticking fast and it keeps piling up negative feelings.

A.P.

Anxiety in definition

Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where we feel under pressure, they usually pass once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed.

Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t go away – when they’re ongoing and happen without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard to cope with daily life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but for someone experiencing anxiety, these feelings aren’t easily controlled. (Beyond blue)

Types of Anxiety;

Generalised Anxiety disorder (GAD)

A person feels anxious on most days, worrying about lots of different things, for a period of six months or more.

Social anxiety

A person has an intense fear of being criticised, embarrassed or humiliated, even in everyday situations, such as speaking publicly, eating in public, being assertive at work or making small talk.

Specific Phobias

A person feels very fearful about a particular object or situation and may go to great lengths to avoid it, for example, having an injection or travelling on a plane. There are many different types of phobias.

Panic Disorder

A person has panic attacks, which are intense, overwhelming and often uncontrollable feelings of anxiety combined with a range of physical symptoms. Someone having a panic attack may experience shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness and excessive perspiration. Sometimes, people experiencing a panic attack think they are having a heart attack or are about to die. If a person has recurrent panic attacks or persistently fears having one for more than a month, they’re said to have panic disorder.

Who can help other than your, GP, psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health nurses, Hospitals, crisis assessment or acute treatment teams.

Beyond blue support services

1300 22 4636

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=12&ved=2ahUKEwjVu7iA3YTdAhVWA4gKHfXWCZEQFjALegQIAhAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.beyondblue.org.au%2Fthe-facts%2Fanxiety&usg=AOvVaw0lfqVyN1E2X0uHdjbeTLhj

This context is from the beyond blue webiste

Words

Words are very powerful,

If so, I think the word’ powerful is an understatement.

Words have a lot of strength in describing a state or situation one can be held in.

Words are very strong

A pinch of emotion added with a slice of reality’

Words can make or break you.

They keep coming in my mind, one after the other, playing a role in my self destruction.

One adds a few more letters to it, and it can take you on a downward spiral.

Words are very much a strong weapon,

It can cause mass issues’

Words don’t leave my thought and mind,

Day in and day out, words play games.

Oh how very much I try to not think,

My memory is clouded.

Words take me to a world of glamour, and than detours to a life of self pity,

Oh how very much I try to not think.

Words can cause fear, harm, and pile up to the cause of another world war.

Words are very strong

A.P.

The Locked up soul

 

This little piece is dedicated to myself, and the intro of “The Locked up soul”, which will be one of my dominant topics, a little story about myself, possibly the other side of me that I once lost.

 

Where is her soul?

Why has she always cried out to search where she is ? I think I can  hear her.

 

she is lost’

amongst herself’

amongst the amidst of life’

she lost her soul a long time ago’

Very far away from here’

 

Once upon a time there was a little girl,

she loved to smile and her giggles would light up the room.

She was pure and innocent to the world,

The world that along her journey stole her smile’

her little chuckle would now echo inside my mind

The warmth of her presence is just an eerie feeling now,

and her memory is what lives on each day…

till the day she will find her soul

Till she relives again.