Closing my eyes

The fear is such that none can fix,

Closing my eyes has become the most painful thought in my mind

The night skies, were once my point of admiration,

It’s was an ore,

Now it’s a close dark room.

The morning rays cradle me to sleep and the thought of my eyes closing makes my heart skip a beat and panic takes over

Fear was once a childhood boogyman,

Now it’s the norm.

My norm for each day

Closing my eyes is painful and sleep is impossible and what was once my peace is now my nightmare.

A.P.

Exit the thoughts

It’s hard as it is to do, as easy as it is to say.

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

If we were to live in the hope of an answer or an outcome life would take its toll as it does in any other situation.

Thoughts that cloud the memory, and give you nightmares are the ones you want to escape and exit from.

Once someone smart told me that you bring in the thought that haunts you so much and than visualise the exit or delete button and there you go it’s all erased.

Well I tried this strategy for over a decade and believe it or not I think I have programmed my brain to think it’s been deleted. It had my sanity a little I guess but if only it was that easy to exit a thought

Exit the thoughts that haunt you

Maybe sometimes we just don’t credit the human brain enough?!

Maybe if we really want we can make ourselves think that it’s all over and not have the emotional burden.

-A.P.

Masquerade… My Life…

Masquerade… My life

When those eyes close one day,

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask that I wore each day.

The mask smiles ,

I have no emotion

The mask attracts,

I hide behind it,

The mask shows no emotion,

I have all seasons running through my mind

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask makes the world see I am just another woman,

Living each day in perfection,

A beautiful job,

Set career,

A perfect family life,

A, to the notch perfection of balance.

Will someone wonder what was always behind the mask

The mask hides all,

And no one can see the real me,

No one can even assume the worst,

As there is nothing that they can see,

If only they had my eyes…

-A.P.

Anxiety in MY WORDS’

A dark feeling lingering around, constantly around the clock.

Black heavy clouds, following me around, thunder growling so loud, lightening bolts striking all over my body each time I get a thought, than it pours down rain, washing away my identity.

The sun keeps setting each moment, almost like I’m stuck in a cycle of repetition.

I never see the sunrise and the morning dew on nature.

There is no light reflecting off the rain drops, no warmth, no photosynthesis anywhere.

The wind has stopped, nothing moves, everything is at standstill, the only rollercoaster is the load of emotions.

Pain is the norm now, it almost feels good, as that’s the way the brain has programmed itself.

It’s a reaction to my fight flight response now.

There is almost an autopilot switch that activates each time there is any slight chance of happiness, almost telling my brain to keep producing the stress hormones.

Regret, hurt, sorrow, uselessness, all those feelings are now me.

Tears have made the tastebuds very salty, when I look at the mirror I almost have forgotten what I once looked like. There are no distinct features left that describe me as what I used to once be.

My body is like a planet almost awaiting a lunar eclipse to make me realise I exist.

Once upon a time when I heard the ocean waves, it felt soothing but now, it scares me and my heart skips beats, drowning me deeper in my dark thoughts.

There is no category in which I can define my issue, or search a medical dictionary in hope of feeling normal within the community.

Nothing can be undone, it seems like the clock is ticking fast and it keeps piling up negative feelings.

A.P.

Anxiety in definition

Anxiety is more than just feeling stressed or worried. While stress and anxious feelings are a common response to a situation where we feel under pressure, they usually pass once the stressful situation has passed, or ‘stressor’ is removed.

Anxiety is when these anxious feelings don’t go away – when they’re ongoing and happen without any particular reason or cause. It’s a serious condition that makes it hard to cope with daily life. Everyone feels anxious from time to time, but for someone experiencing anxiety, these feelings aren’t easily controlled. (Beyond blue)

Types of Anxiety;

Generalised Anxiety disorder (GAD)

A person feels anxious on most days, worrying about lots of different things, for a period of six months or more.

Social anxiety

A person has an intense fear of being criticised, embarrassed or humiliated, even in everyday situations, such as speaking publicly, eating in public, being assertive at work or making small talk.

Specific Phobias

A person feels very fearful about a particular object or situation and may go to great lengths to avoid it, for example, having an injection or travelling on a plane. There are many different types of phobias.

Panic Disorder

A person has panic attacks, which are intense, overwhelming and often uncontrollable feelings of anxiety combined with a range of physical symptoms. Someone having a panic attack may experience shortness of breath, chest pain, dizziness and excessive perspiration. Sometimes, people experiencing a panic attack think they are having a heart attack or are about to die. If a person has recurrent panic attacks or persistently fears having one for more than a month, they’re said to have panic disorder.

Who can help other than your, GP, psychologist, psychiatrist, mental health nurses, Hospitals, crisis assessment or acute treatment teams.

Beyond blue support services

1300 22 4636

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=12&ved=2ahUKEwjVu7iA3YTdAhVWA4gKHfXWCZEQFjALegQIAhAB&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.beyondblue.org.au%2Fthe-facts%2Fanxiety&usg=AOvVaw0lfqVyN1E2X0uHdjbeTLhj

This context is from the beyond blue webiste

Words

Words are very powerful,

If so, I think the word’ powerful is an understatement.

Words have a lot of strength in describing a state or situation one can be held in.

Words are very strong

A pinch of emotion added with a slice of reality’

Words can make or break you.

They keep coming in my mind, one after the other, playing a role in my self destruction.

One adds a few more letters to it, and it can take you on a downward spiral.

Words are very much a strong weapon,

It can cause mass issues’

Words don’t leave my thought and mind,

Day in and day out, words play games.

Oh how very much I try to not think,

My memory is clouded.

Words take me to a world of glamour, and than detours to a life of self pity,

Oh how very much I try to not think.

Words can cause fear, harm, and pile up to the cause of another world war.

Words are very strong

A.P.

The Locked up soul

 

This little piece is dedicated to myself, and the intro of “The Locked up soul”, which will be one of my dominant topics, a little story about myself, possibly the other side of me that I once lost.

 

Where is her soul?

Why has she always cried out to search where she is ? I think I can  hear her.

 

she is lost’

amongst herself’

amongst the amidst of life’

she lost her soul a long time ago’

Very far away from here’

 

Once upon a time there was a little girl,

she loved to smile and her giggles would light up the room.

She was pure and innocent to the world,

The world that along her journey stole her smile’

her little chuckle would now echo inside my mind

The warmth of her presence is just an eerie feeling now,

and her memory is what lives on each day…

till the day she will find her soul

Till she relives again.

 

 

Mental happiness Or is it Illness.

Mental illness

It’s a condition that drains each living cell out of you
It’s a torture to live with it each day,
It’s not a nice feeling to wake up knowing that once the day and the errands are done, one will have to pop a load of pills and shut off the brain.The restlessness that occurs in sleep and the heart palpitations in the awake life is a taunting feeling

Each second the clock ticks, one stares at it hoping that it just runs faster than it actually is and when it’s time to wrap up things one wishes that it wasn’t so fast that time flew

Each morning one wakes with the hope for the sun to set so the brain can shut off

Help and support is always and abundantly available but when one is in a zone of feeling below 5 kilometres per hour, it seems a task and I mean a burdening task to reach out.

After all who would want to hear my shit”
That’s the voice from inside that makes you want to cave in and not utter a word

The clouds never seem to pass over the suns rays and one cannot be exposed to the comforting warmth of the sun.
The clouds just get darker and darker,
Never to want to leave and if there ever was a positive outlook well that’s when it rains and floods the thoughts washing them all back to where they started off

A vicious cycle of self hatred and despise
It’s definitely not a good feeling to live with each day.

When one wakes up and tries to make a move towards some activity, the physical Strength seems to weaken by the minute ,
Each task seems a chore!
Each movement seems to drain the soul, if one even realises they have a soul left’

Mental illness is like a cancer that kills each cell of your body and takes over to the point when the illness is so obvious that one realises that the only way to find any salvage is to turn life back into gods hand. Again if one can console to a god than that’s probably a positive , usually the faith and hope factor is long gone.

The brain can no longer recognise happiness and can no longer respond to something positive as a “happy” moment. So the individual actions on the happiness to make it a negative experience and that is because the the brain has imprinted sadness and uselessness as Normal”

The norm for people like myself is the abnormal for the people that are the opposite breed of us
Smiling is great for the skin and a perfect facade that one can hold against the reality that they live.

Writing this is probably making me realise that I cannot do this for much longer.
If anyone is to lay their eyes and bother spending the time to read it they might just chuckle (or some may agree).
The point is that one in my shoes doesn’t want anyone to read this because there are many books and text out there that have published this and becomes a great read for people.

One weakness in people like me is that we try to have the flash looks and the flashiest objects to make us feel like we have it all under control, but let’s just face the truth the high price tagged items don’t really bring one happiness , if anything when one looks back it makes one realise how lonely they are that they had to try and buy a little smile for the fortnight.

Humans (people) are amazing creatures and maybe that’s why we are the ones that can voice ourselves and becomes presidents and terrorist to the place called earth”
But the biggest downfall of humans are that they like to fake it till they make it,
This is one big cause of loneliness and depression.
We are the most lucky alongside the most unlucky creatures of the earth.
Sometimes I look at my puppy and wish he could just talk back to me and tell me how he feels, to tell me his emotions and make me feel like I’m not that worse off after all, unfortunately that doesn’t happen.

We tend to crawl towards things that make us happy for a moment and than cling to it. The biggest downfall is that once in the below the rainbow zone , one always seems to pick and attach oneself to that zone. The zone than does more damage and the so called victim” the patient of mental illness, seems to like the fact that they are such “feel sorry for me” people

Mental illness is a nasty plague that spreads and I can guarantee you that 3:5 people are the victims, and will remain victims
Self pity makes it worse by the minutes. Never have self pity

Those tablets seem like they are shrinking by the weeks as it’s no longer enough to balance the chemicals in the brain, one needs more and more and than the brain and body becomes immune to the treatment that one takes daily or even twice in a day

Remedy is great ! But what is the definition of it?
What’s the definition of prevention?
When people say prevention is better than cure and remedy is great for healing ?
Like are they seriously serious ?
I do not think that the population in that breed are realising that those words are just Words for us’
Nothing of the above really make sense to us’
The population need to realise that when people are mentally ill’ they do not have the ability to understand the definition and put it in place in their lives.
Those words just become literature’ for the ones that are on this side of the fence.

My practitioner had been my backbone for that many years that now when I look back I realise that I use the practitioner as a safety blanket like a toddler used to hold close so they don’t feel alone or get nightmares and that’s all , someone that doesn’t judge me and can see some hope in me (by saying that I can guarantee 1:100 would be like the practitioner I see).
Somewhat I call myself very lucky when it comes to that context.
When I reflect , I too am a practitioner, and sometimes it’s hard for us to try and help, it’s because we know that by letting our clients go, is the best way to help them and the way for teaching them to cope.

All of us deserve to be thrown in the deep end to make sure we can swim up, and not drown, but the fact that there is a chance of drowning, is scary so we never take the dip.

The pharmacists probably thinks that this woman is really a ticking time bomb but they still smiles and make a joke in some hope that maybe this will cease, or the opposite that this is my biggest client.
If only one could read minds.

Calculating all that I have said, I have just placed myself back to square one. Like the musical chair game that never ends.
I hope that this context can help anyone realise that one that feels like myself is not a normal’ feeling . And that people from my breed can reflect on themselves before they get to this point.

All this is Easily printed in books and directed by famous movie makers in Hollywood, let’s face the truth that this is NOT a movie set and it will never ever be.
The difference is that the story in a penguin books eventually ends and they sell out.
The Hollywood blockbuster makes millions with an ending to accomodate a sequel, unfortunately the prequel and sequel and the the current present is all bundled in my brain.

It’s so bizarre that a whole episode of forensic files can complete and when I look away from the screen all I can see is a dark light , I do not remember anything I watched. I do not Remember anything I heard.
And the brain processes some text I can voice verbally but the tongue still can’t lay it out.

It’s probably the hundredth time I have mentioned the words mental illness , I fact I haven’t I just think I have.
Call it anxiety, depression, stress, post traumatic stress disorder, personality disorder or whatever fancy name you would like to attach with a bright silver ribbon.
The fact that any of these words don’t matter either. Mental weakness is a fatal killer.
It kills worse than slow poisoning of the blood stream.
Like blood platelets drop in a Sick and detoriating patient, there is no blood count here , they is no visual symptoms that one can see.
And no monitor to plug on to tell the doctor I need review now.
This illness is one of a kind,
I like to call myself a well educated person with self confidence ( but that cannot be )
Because that’s the face I wear each day.

One look at myself in the mirror and I realise I can see the illness but no one else can visualise it.
No One else can feel the way I feel, empathy in this illness is hard. Sympathy is gained very easily and that’s one things that the individual does Not want ( like hello it only took me years to write this).

Mental illness is such …

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